Soap Spoilers! The week ahead in EastEnders, Corrie and Emmerdale...

Carl is swanning around looking smug and supercilious. No change there, I hear you cry. But at least he has good reason this time, having caught Chastity and Cameron mid-snog.

Matters are no less tense regarding the Marlon/Paddy/Rhona impasse (or "Kramer versus Kramer versus Kramer", as Diane described it). The day of the flit to New Zealand has dawned, but will there be a last-minute hitch? Cue police sirens, handcuffs and prison cells.

Eastenders

So the penny finally drops for Alfie as he learns Kat is being unfaithful. Who, he demands, is her mystery man? Wouldn’t we all like to know, sunshine! My money’s still on Derek, although the thought of her running her fingers through his Brylcreemed hair does have an emetic effect.

Things also come to a head between Janine and Michael when she gives him an ultimatum: it’s her or the cash. Well, money can’t buy you happiness. But then life with Janine will never be all smiles either.

Coronation Street

The way Tina gets treated this week, you’d have thought she was the one whacking people around with hoover extensions. But after a spat with the pregnant Kirsty leads to her waters breaking in the middle of the Rovers, poor Tina becomes a pariah and even gets a tongue-lashing from Rita. Is everyone blind? Can’t they see that Kirsty is a pork pie short of a picnic? Glorious Gloria isn’t making too many friends either - by Friday, she’s driven half the neighbourhood round the twist.