Coronation Street, EastEnders, Emmerdale - the week ahead

As Laurel makes a declaration to a gobsmacked Marlon - and who wouldn't like to smack Marlon in the gob? - might we have a word in Moira's shell-like? Step away from Cain. Do not become intoxicated by his preternaturally powerful pheromones. Do not linger alone in a confined space with him. And definitely do not kiss him.

Elsewhere, Sean leads Belle astray, hope for Sarah arrives in the shape of the bone marrow testing van, and Ruby and Ali get a warm village welcome. Unusually, this does not mean that their house gets set on fire.

Coronation Street

As Fiz follows Gail and Deirdre as a Weatherfield woman accused of crimes she didn't commit, you may find yourself torn. Do you hope that the real perpetrator - John Stape - is brought to justice or do you secretly wish Fiz is banged up for a very long time, if only to spare us her whining?

Meanwhile, Lloyd, Cheryl and Chris's curious living arrangement takes an ever-more-awkward turn, Sylvia makes an enemy of Mary, and Underworld's fortunes take a turn for the worse. I blame the Eurozone crisis.

EastEnders

As the Masoods' lives get more complicated, with Amira using baby Yasmin to reel Syed in, you can't help but think that daughter Shabnam, who popped off to Pakistan for a quiet life, had the right idea. A nuclear state on the verge of failing is surely preferable to sinister Yusef, doped-up Zainab, crazy Christian and sappy Syed.

Meanwhile, Pat has a funny turn, birthday girl Janine unveils her new business venture, and Ben sleeps with Lola to determine if he's really gay. Well, if he wasn't before...