Sarah Millican: Aussie telly does slightly different versions of programmes we've made

There's so much to see and do in Austrailia, but a lot of it is outside so I've ben immersing myself in their telly. I've been out here on tour for a few days now and have watched a fair amount thanks to jetlag and laziness.

Yes, I know there’s a festival going on outside but it’s also so hot that I’ve even shaved my legs – which is the sort of behaviour usually reserved for first dates and hospital visits. I notice that I’ve totally missed my ankles, though, so it looks like I’m wearing a furry tag.

The adverts are top notch here. They are often made by the person whose company it’s advertising, which is a refreshing change from a generic pretty actor telling you to buy his awnings when the man clearly has no idea what an awning is. The enthusiasm and shouting from the salesman himself is incredibly persuasive. I can’t wait to see my awnings. It says a lot for my lowbrow sense of humour that my favourite is an advert with a woman who can’t poo. Then she can. We’ve all been there and now she has too.

Tonight when I got in from my show I was hoping for some proper Aussie drama but naughtily (slap my wrists) got sucked into the second half of Pretty Woman which is much sadder and more serious without the lovely shopping bit at the start. And my friend said Stuckey should have been prosecuted for hitting Vivian. I said true, but then there’d be no Seinfeld.

As I look up, I see The Bill has started. Like a slap in the face, this episode is called Home and Away.

One thing Aussie telly does well is slightly different versions of programmes we've made. The trailers for Celebrity Splash prove they don't just pick the good stuff either. Yesterday, I watched a programme called Minute to Win It that seems to combine the almost-title of one of our Lottery shows, the prize scale of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? and a game show similar to The Cube. But without a Cube.

It’s addictive but no one I’ve spoken to has heard of it. If my jetlagged brain has come up with this, then you need to know that I’ve emailed myself the outline so I own the copyright, right?

Perhaps the best thing I have witnessed on telly here are the nightly repeats of Hart to Hart. I know they aren’t Aussie, but bless these people for reminding me of TV gold.

Last night, after 20 mins of pointless preamble (the man promises “moider” in the title sequence, come on, stop dilly dallying!!) Zsa Zsa Gabor married a wrong’un who died after a forkful of wedding cake. A man died of cake. No warning before, no helplines listed at the end. Nothing. Absolutely terrifying.

Meanwhile, on my hard drive... I'm recording Broadchurch, Glee, Girls and The Walking Dead while I'm away. Death, singing, bad sex and zombies. That's all I need.

Sarah's stand-up DVD, Thoroughly Modern Millican Live, is now available at amazon.co.uk